I've been having a hard time lately. There's no other way to put it.
In an email a friend of mine recently said, "It is OK to feel bad right now." The truth is that I do feel bad. Not all the time, but often. I don't want to, but I do.
And that's one of the things that makes it so hard. I am an optimistic person. I search for joy and beauty and life's little glimmers of grace. Some days it's easy to see them. Some days it's not. Those days are hard and I struggle against them.
I'm not saying this to complain or to seek sympathy, because that's not my intention at all. (Also please forgive me if I sound cryptic or secretive about this situation; I'm just not sure how to write about it yet. My blog is a place for joy, for uplifting -- even in the difficult times I have that intention for it. There's also the fact that the story's not entirely mine to share. I'll figure it all out, but it might take a while).
So, what IS my intention?
I guess it's simply this: to share hope.
And to share the lessons that I'm learning.
Lessons of compassion.
Of slowing down.
Of letting go -- of worry, of fear, of guilt, of the desire for control...
And to share the permission to feel bad sometimes. I think I needed permission. Permission granted by my friend, but more than that, permission granted by myself. (Maybe you need it, too?).
Hoo boy has there been a learning curve.
I laugh at myself for thinking it would be easy. For thinking that saying "let it go" would be the end of the struggle. Some days I feel so very naive. Some days I feel filled with hope and gratitude. Some days I notice the beauty of the colors of the sunrise. Some days I see only grey.
And all of it is OK.
I don't know what struggles you are facing right now. I am sure there are some. Maybe they're minor or maybe they're so big that they're temporarily eclipsing everything else. Either way, be easy on yourself. Search for beauty and joy and notice life's glimmers of grace, but if it's a grey day for you, be compassionate with yourself.
Also, thank you. Thank you to each of you who has commented on my posts with thoughts of kindness and love and support. Thank you to each of you who has emailed me or sent me cards. Your friendship and compassion mean so much to me.
I'll make it through this. I'll share what and when I can. I want to share what I'm learning because I know that these are important lessons. It might take a while for me to fully embrace and understand them, but I'll be working on it.